Welcome to my journal!

I made this page in order to write some of my thoughts down about some things which have been bothering me for a while. I used to write them down in notebooks but I prefer this setup because no one but me (or people I give the password to, I guess) can read it. I also like that I can easily re-write text because I am quite a perfectionist.

If I'm honest, most of this is just me complaining about stupid shit that isn't important.

Outward appearance

Seeing pictures of myself last night (and honestly ast night in general) has brought some things to the surface about my massive insecurities surrounding my appearance.

Q 2

It's time for an update, because the way I feel about the whole thing has changed a lot. I'm not angry anymore, at anyone, not even myself, let alone him. Being angry is exhausting. I just want to pretend it never happened, but it's all I think about whenever I see him.

Besides, he's weirdly... drawn to me? It feels like. We were at a social thing a couple days ago and he happened to be there (because few people know what happened between us, and that's a good thing) and it was so strange... he laughed at all my crappy jokes and looked at me the whole time, tried to talk to me about all sorts of casual things and kept trying to make me laugh (which didn't really work). I don't understand him. Has he forgotten? Or does he not realise that I'm courteous towards him out of politeness and resignation, and not because I'm 'over it' (because I'll never simply be over it).

He told me he might fail the year, which means he'll get kicked out of school and I felt like a dark cloud was lifted from my view. It's not that I hate him, I don't, but I'd like it if I could walk through the hallways at school, sit in my English class, live my life... without him. I hope that I live my life and I forget about him completely, and I don't know how I can do that when he's always there.

three months later It was K's bday party last night and of course he was there, and A was there too because she's my plus one. And it all went as expected. I drank like 2 beers and a glass of wine over the course of like 3 hours so am barely tipsy. He's had what, like 9 apple ciders? He's pretty drunk, and when he's drunk he gets emotional and depressed.

It's like 1am, we're walking to the mcdonalds with some people, A gets into a conversation with H and B and D have a chat too somewhere so I'm left with him. I'm lighting my 4th (?) cigarette of the walk and he's giving me shit about nicotine addictions. I've heard it all, and for some reason (maybe I'm tired, drunk, maybe I'm fed up with him, I don't know) I decide to bring it up again, I tell him he's a coward for only being able to talk to me about it over text. He break down, and starts telling me everything. Crap. He's too emotionally attached to his mom, severly insecure, heavily addicted to pornography, drinks himself to sleep every night.... What do I even say back? I just listen and for some dumb reason feel bad for him. We get fries, walk back, I have another smoke, tell him about how I've come to pretty much blame myself. He yells at me about how I'm wrong and it's all his fault and he should have just jerked one out in the bathroom (...at a kids camp..) and I just shut up. He has anger issues, he's been to therapy for them. I know because his brother told me. We walk back in silence.

It's the next morning, me and A wake up at 7am (yay 3 hours of sleep....) but I feel energised anyways. We bike to the shop and gets croissants and smoothies for everyone. K tells me what happened after I went to sleep last night. Apparently Q went a walk for and hour, K's dad tracked him down on a bench and Q yells at him about all his problems and how "I feel so bad for cheated on E" ... (we weren't dating, he was dating A...). Godfuckingdamnit. I shouldn't have brought it up, he's so fucking weak when he's drunk. I go home, think about it all for hours on end, do nothing. Why is this all so fucking complicated???

Resitting 5th form

I've decided that I might want to resit this year. My grades aren't that bad, they're all passing grades, but I feel like I could have done better (because I gave absolutely nothing my all this year). Besides, I feel like I didn't really enjoy any of this year. I feel like I let it pass me by and highschool is a unique experience and I'd like to enjoy it while it lasts. I spent too much of this year drinking, doing drugs, trying to be edgy and just avoiding my responsibilities. I'd like to look back on my highschool memories and feel happy, like I do with middle school. To add to that, I'm not quite ready for 6th form yet. If I did 6th form right now I'd fail, and I'd rather re-sit 5th than 6th. Just imagining doing it lifts a weight off of me I didn't even know was there. It feels so freeing. I could do my SE's properly, spend time on my subjects, have fun on trips and meet new people. I could have time outside of the constant loop of studying and stressing about not studying to learn how to drive, and take on more hours at my job.

Then there's the fact I'll have to make all-new friends because I'll be with new, younger people. Although I actually only have one friend in my class, so what does it even matter? I know S will roast me to pieces because she'll be the only one in our original friendgroup who didn't resit the year, but it doesn't even matter to me anymore what she thinks. I'm actually happy I won't be in a class with her anymore because she constantly makes fun of how "stupid" I am because I don't understand math equations right away and because my spelling is bad. In addition, my parents and teachers will think I'm depressed or there's something wrong with me because why would you want to re-sit the year if your grades are passing? But I just want a second chance, and this might be as close as I'm going to get.

In all honesty, it's just this:



Feeling even shittier

I can't see this ever ending well. I have nothing. I don't want to die, but I just want to stop thinking. I wish I had the guts to go to the doctor and ask for help. I wish I could run away and start a life somewhere else. Maybe I'll become a waitress. I can't deal with school, or the incoming doom that is university. I feel like I've let all my friends down, my parents, and they know too many awful and cringy and gross things I've done so I cannot ever talk to them again or let them see me, my body, my self.

Is it even me? I feel like I'm dissociating from myself. I can't focus on anything. It takes me hours to do any one task and I keep glazing over. All I want to do is sit outside and listen to very loud hard rock and metal music. It's only then, and when I'm asleep, that I feel okay. I can't remember what I did yesterday, let alone last week, I forget all my deadlines, and my childhood memories feel like they belong to someone else. With schoolwork, it's like it's 10x more difficult material, even though I was always pretty good at school. It's a simple chemical reaction and I can't fanthom how the first step even works. How do I fix this? I want a pill that makes it all go away but where would I get that?

Everytime I feel like I'm almost there, I just plunge back into the darkness and another day passes me by without me even noticing. It's been 3 months and it feels like nothing.

School

I feel kind of weird only writing in this online journal about things that aren't working out for me or things that make me feel like shit but I feel like those are exactly the kinds of things I want to talk about but am too afraid to actually tell anyone in real life. Besides, who would I even tell?

So, school.

It's online now, and it's weird. It feels like I'm not even in school anymore, it feels like a dream. Not in a good way either, just in the way that it feels like it's not actually real. I don't know what motivated me to do my homework and study and work on projects back when we had regular school, but it's gone now. I think maybe I was just afraid of my teachers getting mad at me or having to re-do the year (because I'd have to make new friends and I hate making new friends). I haven't spoken to my teachers or done any work in about 3 weeks. They must think I'm dead. I do log onto the online classes, but I put them aside and just lie in the sun outside and stare at the clouds and chain-smoke cigarettes and think about things I'd rather be doing while the teacher drones on on my laptop in the background. I already know I'm going to fail this year, because I'm not even trying not to.

I've never felt this unmotivated, it's like nothing even matters anymore. What's the point of studying? What's the point of going to uni? The only positive thing I can see happening as a result of uni is that maybe I can get one of those jobs in computer science or web development and just work quietly from my computer at home so I'll never have to see a real person ever again. And the money'd be good too, so I could buy a house somewhere far off and alone and spend my free hours doing as much staring at the clouds as I like.

I was never really good at anything in particular, and strangely people have told me that that's a good thing, but it really isn't. I get okay grades in every one of my classes, never bad, but never actually great. There's no field I stand out in. I have no feeling anymore, there's nothing I even enjoy. I was hoping I could just choose the discipline I was best at and go with that so I wouldn't have to rely on my feelings or the enjoyment (none) I get out of a certain discipline, but how do I even choose now?

I'm doing mostly ~sciencey~ classes, which I only ever chose because I thought that was what smart people did, and I so desperately wanted to be seen as a "smart person". I'm actually indifferent towards science, few things we learn about really interest me, certainly not to the point of enjoying the education process. School is chore to me. My parents thought I'd like art, because I like drawing animals and doodle when I'm stressed. I don't care for art, I can't be bothered. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy painting and writing stories and songs but I couldn't possibly see myself doing it as a job. Maybe it's just the girl inside of me, desperately wanting to be seen as a serious, smart person... or my fear of fame, recognition, networking... or maybe it's everyone telling me that art isn't a real job, that you'll rarely if ever make it... but I don't even consider it an option.

Then there's languages, which is a whole seperate problem. I don't know if I am just slow, but I am terrible at learning languages. I've taken french class for nearly 5 years in high school, and can barely speak sentences outside of the most basic ones. In addition, I just got the feedback from my dutch teacher about my essay, and it makes me want to die. I got good points on everything besides spelling and grammar, where I got literally a -10/10 ... negative!! how!!! I wouldn't really care, because I still got a passing grade (65/100), but my teacher told me I wouldn't make it through exams in this state. I hate how the school system requires me to pass dutch in order to graduate, even if I got perfect grades for everything else, I'd still need to pass dutch.

I have nothing against the language itself, it's just a language after all. But I've so been mad at my shortcomings in it since moving back here. I'm in this weird in-between area where I speak the language well enough to be mistaken for a native speaker, but I lack the vocabulary to properly express so many things. It just makes me seem like I'm stupid, because I don't get people's jokes (and nobody gets mine) and I need to frequently ask people to repeat themselves. I've fallen into this habit of just going kind of quiet when everyone's talking dutch just because I feel like I can't keep up. I wish so desperately that my school, work, friends all operated in english. I truly believe I'd be better on all fronts if that were the case.

Feeling rather shit

Maybe it's just the quarantine, the loneliness or the lack of exercise but lately I can't motivate myself to actually do anything. I just live to go to work, and when I'm not at work, I'm either asleep or pointlessly browsing imageboards. It's to the point where I don't even want to continue school, because I feel like no matter what uni I go to or what study I follow, I'll still feel the same. I'm doing the highest level of highschool and genuinely want to throw it all away to continue working in the supermarket for the rest of time. It's only the embarrassment and disappointment from my parents and peers stopping me.

Today was the first time in a long time I wasn't working and some friends asked if they could come over but I said maybe another time because I'd honestly rather sit in my bed and stare at the ceiling. What's wrong with me? How do I even begin to fix this? I feel like I have too much time, too little time, everything at once, and nothing's getting done. I really fucking miss school.

And I feel so stupid because my life is pretty great actually and I haven't gone through any real trauma or anything and I have friends and a job and okay grades and my parents are still together. I sometimes dream of something awful happening to me just so I'll have an excuse. The most common is my house burning down and everyone dying. It's so horrible and I hate it. I wish I could dream of nice things, then maybe I'll get an ounce of sleep.

I think if maybe I just throw myself into my schoolwork, I can create a future for myself where everything is perfect and maybe then it won't even matter. I feel the same way about the way I look. Maybe if I just get really attractive it won't matter how I feel inside. Because even if I have no friends and never go anywhere, if I'm rich and successful and gorgeous people will assume I'm happy, and isn't that almost the same?

Allowed calories

The only calories allowed are those from this list!


Cleaning routine

every day

every other day/every 2 days

once a week


Body care routine

every day

every other day/every 2 days

once a week

once a month


Life rules

I've decided to make some rules to follow everyday in order to make my life a bit better. Because currently I just wake up at 2pm, fuck around on my laptop all day, then go to sleep at 2am again. And it's sad and I feel empty and useless. The only days I feel productive are the days I work, but even then I am dead on my feet at the end and it's like ????? why am I tired from a 6-hour work day?

It's not that I'll feel happy if I do everything right, because I won't. I won't feel happy even if I have the perfect friendships, the perfect grades, the perfect body... I still won't be happy, I know, because I've been there before, and I wasn't happy. But at least people won't be able to say that if I just go to the gym I'll be happy. If everything's perfect maybe I can finally admit to myself (and to others) that it's me and not the things I have or the things I am.

And who knows? Maybe it will fix me. Or maybe it won't, but it's worth a try.

So. Here it comes. I've decided to divide my plan into 3 parts: school and work, selfcare and food.


Part 1: School and work

Part 2: Selfcare

Part 3: Food

Addiction

I think sometimes that everything stems from one common source. A desperate will to be a person who doesn't even actually exist. Some person who I hold so highly and want to be so badly I'd do anything anything to come close. I started vaping because I thought it would suppress my appetite and make me skinnier, and it did, for a while.

Then I had to stop, so I switched to cigarettes, and I got lost in the feeling, because they were so much more overwhelming. (when you take low-nic vaporiser hits all day long, a high-nic cigarette once a day feels like a truck to the face in comparison). I would start my workday at 9:00 and spend all day dreaming of the after-work ciggie I'd take at 18:30. I'd bike home riding that insane high, going 30km/h, breathing in the cigarette smoke like it was oxygen after being underwater for so long. I told everyone I wasn't addicted.

I went on a week-long trip without a single cigarette or vape hit and thought I was fine. I was brimming with frustration, insomnia, wild moodswings and I still thought I wasn't addicted. I sit here now, out of vape pods, out of cigs and it feels like I'm just drifting through life. Where has the day even gone? It's almost bedtime and it feels like I just woke up. I can't wait for my next hit. It's the only thing worth getting up for in the morning anymore.

When I drink alcohol, it's different. It's not like nicotine, which feels almost casual by now, it's on a whole other level. I think I could actually be an alcoholic in another life. If only alcohol hadn't so many calories (once again, all my decisions stem from my stupid desperate desire to be skinny). When I drink I think I might almost be a normal, socially capable person. I once drank a vodka & coke in my morning class and the rest of the day I felt like a popular, fun person, who laughs at jokes and cracks equally funny ones themselves. I felt confident and cool, liquid courage. Who knows how much of that was real and how much was the alcohol just telling me I was better than I actually am.

But alcohol is easily overdone, and I'm a massive lightweight. I get cocky and insane and I cringe my eyes out the next morning. I hate myself when I drink, but I drink anyway, just to feel sociable. There's a thin, thin line between being tipsy and being drunk, and I cross it every time. I rarely drink, maybe once every 2 months, but I always drink too much. I don't even know I have until it's too late and no one stops me, they just encourage it, because drinking too much is fun and cool. Being knockout drunk is glamourous.

I hate how glamorised alcohol is in society, because in my opinion it's worse than cigarettes. Sure, cigarettes give you lung cancer and the tobacco industry is absolutely vile, but in terms of the addiction, I feel like people who smoke are almost... normal and okay? Whereas alcoholics completely change their personality and ruin relationships with their addiction. We once had a drunk customer who came in and she was awful and rude and it was actually quite sad. I've never met a smoker who's not casual and normal, even those who take a pack a day. I hate how my parents drink alcohol every single day but look down on smokers (although I understand that smoking around people is quite rude due to secondhand smoke). I hope one day drinking is vilified as much as smoking is nowadays, because I think a lot of damage could be prevented that way.

Loneliness

"In ten years’ time, I want to live in a house with big windows. I want the house to be large enough to have a kitchen table with four chairs, but not too roomy to ever feel the depth of my aloneness. Because I’ll probably be alone. But I think aloneness won’t feel so all-consuming with windows that protect me from the world but still let me watch it."
- Maeve Wiley, Sex Education

Ever since quarantine started I've had a bit too much time to think about my life, the choices I've made and the way I've acted in the past. It physically hurts me to think of some things I've said and done. I can't sleep at night. The worst part is, I can feel myself slipping.

As a kid I moved around a lot and I never really minded because tbh the friendships you have as a kid aren't actually that important (your parents are much more important at that age). I would be in a different country, a different continent every ~2 years, having to start all over again, but I never really minded until I turned about 9 and moved to Indonesia. I lived there for 4 years and the friends I made there were so good, we were so close, ride or die level! When I left I had a lot of hurt feelings and depression, and I decided that I couldn't really risk getting close to people ever again, because I was leaving for uni soon anyway and losing everything again would be devastating. I went nearly 2 years only talking to other people when we were in class. I thought I didn't really need anyone else, but one day I guess I just woke up and realised I didn't actually have any friends. And I wasn't okay with it like I thought I would be.

The funny thing is, when you don't have that level of closeness with anyone (I never got emotional with my parents, it's just not that kind of relationship) you don't even realise it, but you get overwhelmed. There's nobody you can tell your problems to, ask for advice, joke around with, so everything is left bottled up inside. And when you're alone you don't realise that is what you're looking for- as a matter of fact, you want to spend even less time with people, can't even bare to talk to strangers or aquaintances. But when you finally get to that level of closeness with someone again, it's like coming up above water. People need other people like we need oxygen, and we don't even realise it. It's just so fucking hard.

I like to think I'd gotten better at creating relationships deeper than surface level, I had amassed quite a nice friendgroup and had stopped comparing everyone to my friends in Indo. But several of my friends failed the exams and moved classes, the Q thing happened (which basically tore the last remaining bits of my friendgroup apart). I lost the deepness I had with my Indo friends years ago, they feel like strangers now. I have never felt more lonely. I'm back to square one, and scared to try again.

Atop of that, I can't seem to make work friends. On one hand, I find it difficult to socialize in busy environments, but on the other hand, I feel like they're very different people to me. I don't live in the town so I don't know every customer and I'm not religious. I just want to do my job and have a tiny chat when it's relaxed but my colleagues just want to fuck around, it's so strange. I know it's a minimum-wage retail job, but I just enjoy doing the things I'm supposed to do and minding my own business. I think I may have 1 or 2 work friends, but we'd never hang out outside of work and I'm sure they'd much rather talk to other people at work.

The same goes with the customers. There's so many people who ask me how I am or make a joke and I'm always caught off guard and I never understand and it's like.... why am I so stupid? Why can't I be more smooth and funny and casual? I literally just repeat the same lines "Goodmorning, that'll be 15,80 euros, would you like the receipt, have a nice day".....And I'm so robotic and emotionless, I don't even do it on purpose, I just get sucked into the job. I sometimes dream of a job where I work in an underground warehouse somewhere and I have just 2 coworkers who are just as quiet as I am and we organise things and there are no customers and there is no rush. We chat a bit while we organise but ultimately just mind our own business.

Then there's scouting, which I like on a basic level, but the people are once again, so different compared to me. Firstly, all everyone seems to care about is sex, which I have not had. They only want to talk to me if I tell them about the sexual things I've done, which have never gone past kissing and holding hands. There's few people I have ever come close to loving enough to possibly have sex with, and I had to leave them (or they left). Secondly, I'm a vegan. Which is a scouting sin. All they eat ever is meat and dairy, and then I bring some cutesy fries with veggies and they call me a health freak. I just wish they could respect me, despite me not being cool enough for them. I think about quitting scouting all the time, but I do like the activities we do, and I have been loving gaming nights. It's to the point where I only enjoy the things we do and wish I could do them with different people, who actually like me.

I genuinely hope that when I graduate, I'll go to some lovely university and study some lovely thing and meet some lovely people. People who actually get me beyond a surface level. I would love vegan friends, and feminist friends, and friends who get my jokes and who I'm maybe not a wierdo with. The closest I ever got to someone who got my jokes was Q, and look how that ended up. I just dream of friends who truly are on the same line as I am and accept my social awkwardness. I hope things get better, maybe I'll even fall in love with someone again, but this time at the right time.

Dumb crushes and love

I wish I knew what people were thinking.

It's always the same. I meet someone, we become somewhat friends, I get a stupid crush on them, flirt with them and talk to them all the time, they tell me they want to take it further, and I freak out. I can't handle people actually wanting me, it's like I want to want them without any consequences. It's not even that I'm afraid of being intimate, it's just that I lose all attraction to that person once I know they like me back. Why do I treat love like a fucking game?

I feel like this time it's different, because we'd never even become friends, and I doubt he could ever in this lifetime be interested in me because we're just so unlike each other. I don't think we have any single interest in common, not a single belief, not a single opinion. I'm not even particularly attracted to him, we barely even talk, why do I then think about him all the time? I wonder if maybe with him I could stick it out. Maybe I just tell myself that because it'd never happen. It's almost as if the smaller the possibility is of it happening, the more I want him.

In my dreams, he's perfect, and it's not even him. I've stolen his name, his job, his body and given it a personality I like and a backstory I can relate to. We meet and fall in love, but it's not even him. Maybe this is how someone goes crazy. I need to get out of this quarantine, meet other people, forget about how I feel about this man I don't even know.

ED thoughts

to be continued lol

Q

My thoughts about the Q thing. Yes I'm going to refer to it as 'the Q thing' because it makes me feel less like a victim

There's this song by Alanis Morissette called 'hands clean' about a relationship she had with an older man when she was trying to make it in the music industry (she was only 14! can you believe it) and I love her music and this song really helped me rationalise the whole Q thing. It's not the same but at the same time it so is because it's fucking men who think they have the right to any woman they want even if they look up to you and rely on you as a FRIEND as a MENTOR as a fucking DECENT HUMAN BEING. And I just wish men could keep their nasty hands to themselves and stop just taking what they want without asking.

Well, fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

I wish he had the fucking guts to say sorry to my face. Anyone can write endlessly long text messages apologising and use pretty words to romantacize it all and make it seem like it's my fault. I have to see him everyday, and not once, not ever, has he actually said anything about it to my face! He acts like we're all fine and dandy and then at night sends me long text messages apologising like that's how you fix issues.

Besides, in his text messages it's all "I have a problem" and "I hate myself so much" and is it wrong for me to think that he's honestly just not taking the fucking blame and acting like it's all so out of his control and he has a problem he has no control over whatsoever?

Then there's the the part where he doesn't even get why I won't just forgive him and get over it. Of course, because he's a man, and these things rarely happen to men. It's not that I want him to experience it, but I would love if he could just emphasize (and why can't he? what is wrong with men? how do they not understand other people?). I want him to fucking realise that this thing does change your life, even if you don't outright realise it. Because I thought I was beyond it all because I always felt like I was living outside of my body from years of starving and hating myself and that my body was just a vessel because it didnt feel like me but the truth is that this thing did affect me. It makes you feel paranoid and scared and confused and betrayed.

And sometimes I see a guy wearing plaid (which he wears religiously, like a uniform) and I choke a bit for just a moment because I think it's him, but it's not, and it's like...... you ruined plaid for me. And he's in my class, so I have to see him and I'm even working on a long-term comp science project with him still but I can't bring myself to even look him in the eye, not because I am ashamed, but because I'm scared he'll look smug or angry or even just neutral or bored or dismissive and it'll hurt.

Autism?

I think I have autism.

All my life I was shit at social things and everyone just chalked it up to me being shy, but it even happens when I'm with my friends. I've always felt like there's something actually wrong with me and once I read the traits of autism (specifically in girls, because it shows differently and this results in a lot of girls not getting properly diagnosed) it was like a cloud had lifted. I do all those things, I am all those things. I finally understand and have a reason. I should have known. First of all, my cousin has asperger's, and it can run in the family, so it's actually quite likely for me to have it as well. Secondly, multiple people have told me I may have autism in my life, and these are people who know autistic people or are autistic themselves so they would truly notice these things. The reason I think I never got diagnosed is probably because my parents don't really 'believe'in labels like that. They think that even if I were autistic it wouldn't matter whether I got diagnosed or not and whether we did anything or not.

The thing is, it's not like that. Of course it's not right to get diagnosed with something just to tell everyone and to use it as an excuse for shitty behaviour, I don't think I would tell anyone but my very closest friends if I got diagnosed. But it does lift a weight off of you. It's like all my life I thought I did something wrong and maybe if I did this or that (become skinnier, get a job, get better grades, go to parties, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, take certain drugs) maybe maybe it would FIX me and I would finally be normal and accepted. But now I know that it's just the way I am. And it's ok. I don't have to make small talk with strangers or understand people's jokes or give up my interests in order to make friends and be happy.

These are the symptoms I read about that made it clear for me: